Behind every fat man in a red suit, is a woman making the season bright.

Photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash

Sure Santa is the face that gets plastered onto all the Christmas cards and glorified in the seasonal movies, but every woman knows the real hero of the season is Mrs. Claus.

Mrs. Claus makes Christmas happen. Take the red suit, for example, you don’t seriously think Santa shops for his own clothes? Oh no, Mrs. Claus goes to the fabric store and purchases the red velvet to hand sew a custom suit for her dear husband. And as if that weren’t enough, Santa doesn’t know how to iron. If you left it to him we’d have images of Santa…


Photo by Keith Luke on Unsplash

News is rough right now, let’s take a break and pretend it’s not a train wreck.

In a shit-show of a year, sometimes I sit around and dream up news stories I wish would appear when I refresh my screen. If you need a respite from reality and care to share in my delusions please enjoy the following entirely fake news:

Koalas are Chlamydia Free

Once crippling wild koala populations, chlamydia has been magically eradicated overnight. No longer will these fuzzy Aussie natives suffer painful urination and unsightly discharge. Scientists do not understand how the disease was eliminated, but they are happy it is gone. So go forth and have sexy-times, you adorable little eucalyptus munching fluff balls!

Calories Do Not Exist

Eat up…


It will be relaxing, they said…

Photo by Ursula Castillo on Unsplash

Just imagine coming home from a busy day and relaxing in front of a roaring fire to knit while sipping on a glass of wine. Sounds great, right? That’s what I thought when my mom suggesting taking up knitting a great new hobby to help me unwind.

Well, I followed her advice and the following are the truths I learned about knitting:

Enjoy those $50 socks I spent three months making for you. Yes, I know you can buy socks at Walmart for fifty cents, but the nice yarn is expensive. So please slip your feet into these works of…


And you thought cats couldn’t be trained…

Photo by Jae Park on Unsplash

After years of careful training and coaching my feline friend is capable of a multitude of tricks that are sure to impress audiences around the world.

Here are just a few examples of her magnificent skills:

  • She can aim her puke directly inside my tennis shoe, not on the toe, not on the laces, but straight into the foot hole.
  • She can lick her butthole vigorously, as if it had never been cleaned, then bound up upon my lap in a rare show of affection to purr and nuzzle my face followed by a wet lick on my cheek.
  • The…


There is so much more to being a bug in today’s world.

Photo by Yuichi Kageyama on Unsplash

Everyone feels bad about the plight of the male ladybug, but many other insects struggle with their identities. Consider the turmoil and pains of the following bugs:

-Dung beetles with OCD who would sooner die than roll up balls of pooh

-Wasps that are really Jewish

-Swallowtail butterflies who prefer to spit

-Hot yellow jackets who don’t enjoy wearing outerwear

-Bumblebees on OK Cupid

-Homeless houseflies

-Daddy long legs that can’t have children

-Carpenter ants who prefer decoupage

-Atheist praying mantis

-Vegan mosquitoes

-Fleas that really don’t like The Red Hot Chili Peppers

-Diabetic honeybees

-Dragonflies that prefer non-fiction

-Black…


A gift buying guide for modern times.

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Wine, Beer, Liquor — All liquids capable of alerting your mental state are appreciated as gifts. Consider these gifts for that nervous friend who could really use a little relaxation or a blackout. (Note: Please refrain from gifting these items to people in 12 step programs, that is a massive faux-pas even during end-times.)

Hulu Subscription — This is a great gift for the friend who has reached the end screen of Netflix, which until the apocalypse, no one realized it existed.

Stamps — Remember stamps? Yeah, that’s right snail mail is back in vogue, as it is the only…


Comfort is but a hiss away.

Photo by Jae Park on Unsplash

Try sleeping on your human’s shoe where you can enjoy deep inhales of the footy-fragrance as you drift off to dreamland. As an added bonus, if you wake up with the need to cough up a fur ball you have the perfect receptacle right beneath you.

The magazine the human is actively reading is a great place to lay. Sure you have to hiss and spit a little to get the human to relinquish it to you. But once accomplished you can smother yourself in those glossy pages.

The bed is a spectacular spot for a nap, and no I’m…


Was it a vicious saw attack or an opportunity for self-improvement?

Photo by Isco on Unsplash

My dad is a woodworker. Yeah. Remember your high school shop teacher who was missing a few digits? Well, my dad is also easily distracted, which compounds the effects of his hobby. Thus, text exchanges such as the following are not a rare occurrence:


Direct from Melmac to your television Alf was prime time gold... for a while at least. Fame is, unfortunately, a fickle beast.

Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash

You might remember him by his given name, Gordon Shumway, or perhaps you recall Alf‘s penchant for cat meat, solid gold toilet, or maybe even his zeal to collect dryer lint.

But seriously…

What the hell happened to Alf after to show ended? I’ve done some research and based on Alf’s behavior patterns I derived some plausible solutions to the question:

Unable to return to Melmac, as it exploded due to nuclear war, Alf now lives on Pluto…


When a visit to Granny’s house is more like Vegas than Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood

Photo by Fahad Waseem on Unsplash

My parents are the most normal people ever. They are squares, pedestrian, vanilla, Switzerland-like people. The same cannot be said for my grandmother. Nope, my Memere, which is French-Canadian for Granny, was a real pistol of a person.

Ole Memere had a lot of quirks about her besides just speaking Fren-glish. She drank Ancient Age whiskey by the fifth, smoked like a dirty chimney, said what she thought with no filter, and wasn’t afraid introduce young me to a variety of completely inappropriate experiences and topics.

Kelly Fields

Kelly Fields is a reader, writer, cake decorator, and knitter living out her dreams one day at a time. Her blog is: www.theladygnome.com

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