A Lady’s Guide to Surviving the Man-Cold

Photo by Brittany Colette on Unsplash

When man colds attack, women fight back!

trap on your big girl panties, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride! Your man has a cold, which means the dreaded man-cold has invaded your happy home. Not to worry, there is no reason to lock yourself away in your safe room with copious amounts of wine and Netflix just yet. You can survive this! Your man may even too if you follow these simple suggestions:

When your man says he’s dying, he’s not. Just smile and nod, maybe pat his head if the mood strikes you. Do not lash out in anger and begin a diatribe on how the last time you had a cold you still had to go to work, come home and cook dinner, do the laundry, and clean the house. I repeat do not do this! Get yourself a glass of wine or a large chunk of chocolate and in your head just repeat the Bee Gees song Stayin’ Alive… because that’s the goal for both of you.

You may find your man reverts back to childhood and begins to mistake you for his mother. You are not his mother! When he asks for chicken soup with the little star-shaped noodles and crustless toast draw the line in the sand, girl. Draw it! Just smile and say, “Sure honey,” then grab whatever dusty jar of Campbell’s that’s been lying in the back of the pantry since your last stomach flu (that I’m sure you worked through) and plop that gelatinous blob of condensed salts into a bowl, nuke it, and toss it at him. If he questions its contents explain that of course, it is the soup he requested, he is clearly just seeing things incorrectly because he’s delusional with fever. Then just apologize that you are out of bread. No lady has time to cut off crusts; we have industries to conquer!

Remember that each of you will need extra liquids during the reign of the man-cold, and not just liquids to drink. Dunk your man in a hot bath. Tell him its good for his sinuses. This is just a load of crap because what it is really good for is removing him from the couch long enough for you to have some much-needed you-time in front of the television.

Eventually, he may begin moaning from beneath his nest of blankets. If this ensures reach for the Benadryl immediately. Explain how he may be suffering from allergies in addition to a cold. Then dose him. Dose him good, girl! That should buy you at least eight hours of peace and relaxation time.

If you find your man’s cold begins to stretch on for far more days that you have ever experienced your own colds lasting, do not be surprised. This is a common symptom in the man-cold. Now it is time to abandon ship. Leave your man a microwave dinner for sustenance and go out with your friends. Find a happy hour special and a good movie and treat yourself to a night out. You deserve it!

In the end, do not panic. The man-cold will end…eventually. You can get through this! Women are a tough lot. Your fore-mothers have survived millions of man-colds and you can too. If all else fails call a girlfriend and kvetch. She’s been there too. We all have.

Kelly Fields is a reader, writer, cake decorator, and knitter living out her dreams one day at a time. Her blog is: www.theladygnome.com

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