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Good News You Want To Hear
News is rough right now, let’s take a break and pretend it’s not a train wreck.
In a shit-show of a year, sometimes I sit around and dream up news stories I wish would appear when I refresh my screen. If you need a respite from reality and care to share in my delusions please enjoy the following entirely fake news:
Koalas are Chlamydia Free
Once crippling wild koala populations, chlamydia has been magically eradicated overnight. No longer will these fuzzy Aussie natives suffer painful urination and unsightly discharge. Scientists do not understand how the disease was eliminated, but they are happy it is gone. So go forth and have sexy-times, you adorable little eucalyptus munching fluff balls!
Calories Do Not Exist
Eat up, you won’t gain an ounce. It turns out it wasn’t the food making us fat, it was a tiny little gene, that you can easily have turned off by self-administering a koodie-shot. Once that has been done you should begin to see your extra pounds melt off. So go nuts! Get all the candy, bread, cakes, chips, and treats you desire. Stuff yourself like you just don’t care, because you don’t! Not anymore.
