Honest Wedding Announcements

Photo by Drew Coffman on Unsplash

If people told the truth in their wedding announcements, this is what they’d say…

Banks-Hatcher Wedding

Tina Banks married William Hatcher on June 5th, 2018 at the Lil’ White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas, Nevada. The wedding was officiated by an Elvis impersonator and witnessed by Cher and Celine Dion drag performers.

The reception was held in the parking lot where bride and groom downed a Colt 45 before tumbling gracelessly into the back of a 1988 Lincoln Limousine to be driven to their honeymoon at the LaQuinta by the airport.

Singer-Flank Wedding

Diane Singer wed Jake Flank on Saturday, April 24th at the Waldorf Astoria in New York. The bride wore a large white silk-tulle veil to hide the regret plastered upon her face. Diane had fallen in love with Jake when she accidentally saw his savings account statement open on his computer screen. Only later, after he’d given her a gigantic engagement ring and the wedding date was set did Diane realize that despite the size wallet, Jake was a real ass of a human.

The couple will honeymoon in the French Rivera, where Diane will pound benzodiazepines until she forgets what she has done to herself.

Harris-Peel Wedding

Shelby Harris married Joe Peel at the Fall Creek Country Club to piss off her parents. The Harris family hosted a lovely four-course reception, and the bridegroom’s family offered to contribute four kegs of light beer, which was politely declined.

Shelby and Joe met attending a country music concert, which was a first for Shelby as she had only been allowed to listen to classical chamber music throughout her childhood. When she spotted Joe riding the mechanical bull with a beer in one hand and a can of dip in the other she knew he’d be the perfect revenge on her parents.

Phillips-Smith Wedding

Esther Phillips guilted Frank Smith into marrying her on October 18th at the First Christian Church after finding him, inebriated, in the closet necking with her best friend Sharla. After listening to her weep for a solid 12 hours, Frank gave in and proposed. Esther was able to wipe away her tears and sniffle out a yes. She had the wedding planned in a record two-weeks time.

The newlyweds plan to settle down far from that bitch, Sharla.

Coulliard-Spane Wedding

Shannon Coulliard married Donald Spane in a sunset, oceanside ceremony in Malibu on May 15, 2018. Shannon fell in love with Donald when he told her he would give her a starring role in one of his upcoming films. Shannon wanted to marry a director, but she had to settle for a producer.

At least Donald has like a million Instagram followers, so hopefully, Shannon can snag a few hundred thousand more for herself. Shannon hopes after the movie is in the can, and the divorce is finalized, that her next husband will be a director.

Rober-Sheedy Wedding

Joseph Sheedy married Evelyn Rober at the Southern Baptist Church in Jonesboro, Arkansas on June 5th to prove to the world he was straight. His new wife doesn’t care though because she’s not that big a fan of sex. It always seemed like something of a chore to her. Instead, she prefers cozy nights in drinking fine wine and binging RuPaul’s Drag Race, which happens to be Joseph’s favorite pastime as well.

The couple plans to spend plenty of time at the farmer’s market and decorating their new home together.

Fine-Dailey Wedding

Judy married David in an outdoor ceremony at the City Botanical Gardens on October 12, 2018, to avoid more questions from her mother about, “When are you going to get married and give me grandkids. I’m not getting any younger you know?” And besides, Judy sure as hell didn’t want to turn 35 and still be single. David was good enough, right? Besides, he had known her when she didn’t have crows feet around her eyes. What is so bad about “settling” anyway?

Kelly Fields is a reader, writer, cake decorator, and knitter living out her dreams one day at a time. Her blog is: www.theladygnome.com

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store