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Thank You? For the Really Bad Gift
Shit you say to the giver of dreadful gifts.
Dear Xavier,
Thank you for the ashtray. While I don’t smoke (or plan on starting) I think it will make a great conversation starter. After all, I have never before seen an ashtray where the cigarette is held in place by a woman’s cleavage and the ashes drop into her bellybutton. I am sure everyone who comes to my home will enjoy seeing it on my coffee table.
Thanks,
Molly
Dear Aunt Kathy,
It was wonderful to see you at our wedding. Thank you for the sensual body paints. Bradley and I tried them out on our honeymoon in Hawaii. It turns out the body paint wasn’t as water soluble as the packaging indicated. Bradley got a few strange looks on the beach because of the giant purple flowers I had painted around his man-nipples. Anyway, thank you for the gift we really enjoyed it.
Many thanks,
Janet and Bradley
Dear Tim,
Thank you for the beautiful lingerie set. It arrived just in time for my husband to see me open it. Now he wants to kill you. Watch your back, Tim, but thanks for the new undies.
Love,
Kimberly
